Friday, September 14, 2012

Flash Friday

I am not amused. As I write, I am having a hot flash. Now… let me explain. I had a hysterectomy when I was 29, which immediately threw me into clinical menopause. Oh yes, I remember recuperating on the couch dripping in sweat, while my feet felt as if they were in two blocks of ice. That was fun.

Then, in my late 40s, my body decided that, even though the equipment was gone, we’d still go through the joy of menopause all over again, just in case I hadn’t had enough fun at 29. Once again, I endured the stifling “personal summers” that felt as if you were sitting in a car that had been parked all day long one broiling August day with the windows rolled up and the heat blasting. I can feel heads nodding.

But oh… that wasn’t enough. No, a few years ago my body felt that perhaps the third time would be the charm, and for about a week I was a red hot mama yet again. Seriously? Are you kidding me?

So here I am, in the middle of a beautifully cool and picture-perfect sunny autumnal day, breezes flowing over the colorful mums, thoughts of wheat shafts and pumpkins dancing in my brain. When what to my wondering bod should appear, than a hot flash that should never, never be here! WHAT? REALLY? This is not right, this is not fair. I protest – vehemently! Can someone out there kindly tell my body it’s over? The baby factory shut down decades ago and there’s noooo need to rev the engine or stoke the fires anymore?? What the heck is going on here?!?!?!???!?#@#@?@?!! This is just soooo wrong on soooo many levels!!!!

In honor of my rebellious body and my flushed red face (from the heat), please allow me to provide you with a few links to help when you’re going through your own hormonal heat bursts from hell… site, but I’m sorry, the picture of the three women looking happy and cool and joyous just make me want to slap them silly) (again with the happy women, are you kidding me???) ( thank God, no pictures)

Happy hormones and fun flashing this weekend, y’all! I’m going to go sit in my refrigerator and find a cool drink with an umbrella in it, and so help me, if anyone makes one comment about my red face, I will do damage to them with the point of my little umbrella. (Did I mention flashing makes you really, really cranky?????)

Coach Linda

1 comment:

  1. O....M.....G!!!!!!!!

    This is hilarious and quite sad and so darn true, all at the same time. This will definitely rank in the Top 3 of my fave posts from you.

    I remember asking my Ob-Gyn last year, "So when does this whole menopause/hot flash stuff end?" And very seriously he said, "Never, really."

    WHAT!!!!!???? As my daughter would say, is this a joke?

    Thanks for the much needed humor. Happy Hormones indeed (do I sense a Hallmark card in the creation stage?)